Today is my "new me" birthday.
365 days since my last alcohol, ketamine, or GHB.
BOOK TWO of my life started 1 year ago.
BOOK ONE was characterized by 2 decades of habitual intoxication. It ended with a 2 weeks of Ketamine-induced mania and a couple months of heavy alcohol use.
It was an epic tale. But it had run its course.
There was nowhere for that character to go. That storyline was stagnant.
BOOK TWO is just getting started.
It is a love story.
Many of the supporting characters are the same, but the interactions have shifted.
I was at a party this weekend and had a powerful awareness of how much my patterns have changed.
I drove myself to the party and arrived at the start time.
It’s hard to explain how unusual this would have been for me.
I used to arrive late. I’d have a couple shots before being picked up by an Uber. I’d bring a flask to ensure that I could get the buzz I wanted.
If I’m being honest, alcohol was only my drug of choice during the final months of my intoxication habits.
For the previous decade+, “bumps of K” or “carefully measured doses of GHB” were a part of my pre-party ritual and bathroom breaks.
A year ago I assumed I would live a life of daily intoxication for the rest of my life.
I was aware that my habits could result in, “the rest of my life” being greatly reduced, but I didn’t care.
If the cost of my intoxication was the risk of death - I had decided that it was worth it.
I would sometimes have the sick fantasy, “I hope I die quietly before I do something to expose myself in a horrible, embarrassing way.”
I wanted to be remembered as a kind, funny, radically self-expressed love warrior.
I was worried that one sloppy night caught on someones iPhone could destroy my legacy.
I have definitely had (non-recorded) moments I am ashamed of. Probably many more cringe-y interactions that I don’t remember.
I heard recently that “Addiction” is when the circle of 'what gives you joy' gets narrower and narrower.
Whereas “Enlightenment” is when that circle of 'what gives you joy' gets bigger and bigger.
I really like that.
That perspective helps me to stay on this path.
I remember how much I loved getting high...but I am keenly aware of what the tradeoff will be.
If I choose to enjoy intoxicated moments, my enjoyment of everything else will decrease.
And when I look at how the joy in my life keeps growing, I feel like I may even be shuffling towards the path to enlightenment.
I love my home.
I love my work.
I love my family.
I love my friends.
And I love Lisa in ways I didn't know I could.
This place I am in is so precious and wonderful...I am NOT gonna mess it up.
I have no idea what plot twists are coming in BOOK TWO.
I just know that it ends Happily Ever After.
Thank you for all the love & support this year. I am truly grateful.
Love,
John
P.S. Join Lisa & I on a Valentines Day discussion of Love, Pain, & Growth:
Congratulations, friend