⚡😫⚡Holiday Suffering : My Taste of Chronic Pain
The holiday spirit was happening all around me.But I felt trapped in my own private prison of overwhelming sensation.
NOTE: I still plan to host and participate in the Pink Heart fundraiser and my Love Ambassador Summit on Jan 13 in a mentally enthusiastic, but physically relaxed way. There are 3 spots open. [MORE INFO]
My MRI concluded: Cervical Radiculopathy in C6-C7 (aka “pinched nerve”)
I was at a level of constant pain that dramatically impacted my ability to be a human.
THANK GOD, After 2.5 weeks of steady or worsening pain, I am actually feeling a little better today.
Still in pain, but it is beneath the “oh fuck” threshold.
⚡😫⚡
It was something I’d never experienced before.
I’m familiar with, “when I move like this it hurts,” type of pain.
Life is certainly less enjoyable when moving hurts, but it is nothing like constant pain.
For two weeks I was hovering around a threshold of sensation that drowned out everything else I was experiencing.
The pain was front and center — no matter what else was happening.
Holding Lisa’s hand.
Playing with blocks with Asher.
But my brain could never place Asher or Lisa in front of the experience of pain.
It was like being under water. And daily life was happening above the surface. I could see it and hear it, but it was dark and muted.
I had some wonderful moments with Asher during his visit. But they would have been 10x better if I wasn’t in pain.
It was so isolating.
The holiday spirit was happening all around me.
But I felt trapped in my own private prison of pain.
I mean, I was interacting with people, but my ability to be present was dramatically impaired.
There was a powerful mental battle that the pain brought with it. “What if this never ends???”
My mind was constantly fighting off dark thoughts.
“If this doesn’t get better, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
“I can’t live like this.”
I remember reading about Kurt Cobain’s chronic stomach pain. He said that heroin was one of the only things that gave him relief. I get it! And I get how he could decide that “enough is enough,” too.
I would have done anything for relief.
I have such empathy for anyone who’s gotten hooked on painkillers.
I tried some Vicodin on day 4, and it didn’t give me much relief. But if it would have worked? I would have had a VERY hard time choosing not to take it.
My mind asked myself, “Would Ketamine relieve my suffering?” Even when I was celebrating 10 months free from that substance just days before.
I had the thought, “If I hadn’t have met Lisa, I would at least have suicide as an option.”
Like I said, Dark Thoughts.
I’ve had compassion, but never fully grasped what people were experiencing when they talked of “chronic pain.” Now I see how different it is then the pain I’ve known. Constant pain above a certain threshold is like an all-encompassing cloud.
On Christmas day, my family shared gratitude around the table as we always do.
When it was my turn, I immediately got emotional.
“At Thanksgiving, with all the conflict in the world, I shared gratitude for ‘Safety.’ How grateful I was to live each day without fear. It was a huge recalibration of Gratitude.”
I started crying pretty hard. Through tears I shared,
“Today, my baseline has been drastically lowered again. I am feeling profoundly grateful for every moment I am not in pain. I am grateful for all the times previous in my life. And I am hopeful and grateful for pain-free moments in the future. I have a new appreciation for ‘nothing.’
My heart feels blown open with empathy with the millions of people living with chronic pain every day.”
Three days later, 17 days after the pain began, the pain has subsided to a more managable level.
As I type this, I realize that I am being foolish. I should be resting. When I finish typing this I will lie back on the couch. Too much is at stake.
I start physical therapy today. Chiropractor tomorrow. I am beginning an anti-inflammation diet. I am committed to whatever lifestyle changes are required to avoid falling into that pit again. I am legit terrified of going back there.
I am so grateful for the patience and understanding of Lisa, whose love has been a lifeline — tethering me to hope.
And with whom my future dreams are the motivation for the lifestyle changes that are coming next. If we are going to live “happily ever after,” I need to function without pain.
As the pain slowly fades, I hope I can remember enough terror to keep me dedicated to healthy habits.
I’ve had to really scrape to find gratitude. I have skipped my daily streams and Zooms.
This has been one of the hardest things about this experience: To see how fragile my peace is.
But I am beginning to re-engage with my daily gratitude practice again, with a next-level appreciation.
I know what I hope to say every day, forevermore:
“I am grateful for this pain-free moment. I am grateful for the ability to appreciate the blessings all around.”
Thanks for all the love. Hope to share gratitude — and maybe even a dance — with you soon.🕺🏼
Love & ((gentle hugs))
-John