“No Mud, No Lotus” — My Intoxicant-Free Burning Man 2023

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue." - Airplane, 1980

Tomorrow I’ll send the video for the silly song I wrote about this year’s Burn.

Here is the real deal:

I wish I could say that I embraced the wild weather and had the time of my life.

I tried.

During the first rains on Friday, I went out with an umbrella and a backpack of gifts. I tried my best to keep the good vibes going.

I encountered very few people. And after walking around a single block, I was exhausted. My rain boots collected massive amounts of mud. (I heard someone say, “Its like walking with cinder blocks on your feet.”)

cinder block shoes

I returned to camp and saw that we were hit pretty hard. The seams between shade structures delivered streams of water onto fur couches and carpets. A shelter that works perfectly to stop the sun can be far less effective at stopping water.

This was also true for the Hugmobile, my pink 1983 Class A motor home.

Its leaky roof had never been an issue at Burning Man before. But by Friday evening, it was clear where the roof seal had failed.

Lisa sweeps water off the roof in between storms

My mood dimmed.
I struggled to embrace the adventure.

Why???
Why couldn’t I practice that core lesson of Burning Man: SURRENDER.

A big reason was: I wanted to get intoxicated.

At events in the past, I have endured many, many episodes of horrible conditions and had a blast.

But my game plan has always been, “get fucked up and party through it!”

That is not an option for me in my current chapter.
So I had to just be present with everything.

Alas, this new version of myself is not well-practiced at embracing discomfort.

I’m aware of this. I am working on it.

In fact, Lisa pointed out that in my talk on Thursday afternoon, I spoke the words to the crowd of attendees, “I am working on becoming more comfortable with discomfort.”

My pre-Pink Ride talk

Grrrrr. Don’t you hate it when the universe gives you exactly the lesson you asked for!?!

Unfortunately, even when this awareness was pointed out to me, I did not shift into “joyful student” mode.

I continued to fall into a, “wishing things were different,” headspace.

I *know* that type of thinking is a recipe for suffering.
And my self-awareness just amplified my negative experience.

I was judging myself for not being able to let go.
I was frustrated with myself for not having more fun.
I was disappointed in myself that I still had a desire to get intoxicated.

I should note that throughout the entire week, I did not use any intoxicants. (I am 199 days sober off Alcohol, GHB, and Ketamine.)

I had the desire, but never the temptation.

Does that make sense? I wanted to do them. But it was never an actual option in my mind. I knew I wouldn’t. But I still wanted to.

As I look back, I am able to evaluate my thoughts and behaviors differently.

“Wanting to get high,” was not a failure on my part.

Choosing not to, even when it meant not having as much fun, was a victory.

I did not have as much fun.

But if I look at my desires for the next chapter of my life, it is NOT to, “have more fun.”

I want to have mature experiences that require discipline and comfort with discomfort.
I want to have a feeling of deep fulfillment.
I want to feel in full integrity and powerful purpose.

I am willing to forgo immediate fun to experience extended joy.

And I recognize that getting there will be an ongoing journey.

Some of the steps will feel like failure.
There will be times I feel like a fraud.
There will be times I feel like I should get my teaching credentials revoked.

But I have faith.

I know that the deep joy and positive impact I’ve had in my life so far has been through the process of:

BE PRESENT.
HAVE INTEGRITY.
ALIGN WITH LOVE.

I just need to keep doing THAT.

The results of that process are different for me now than they once were.

I am a different person.
This is a different chapter.

There is a part of me that feels like I let down my community and camp.
Where was the, “Float more. Steer less.” guy when the city was literally floating?
To be honest? He was clinging to a rock, keeping his sober* head above water.

I’m proud of all the folks who danced in the rain and rolled in the mud.
I’m honored to be part of a community that came together in the least Fyrefest-ish way possible.
There was so much sharing and caring for campmates and strangers.

I wish I had more to give in the moment, but I am so thrilled about the way everyone stepped up.

And I’m so impressed by the creative ways that people embraced the situation.
For many people, the glass was half-full of wet clay that they shaped into sculptures and experiences.

As I start to look through photos and videos, I am aware that I am judging myself too harshly.

I had many, many beautiful mud moments. Almost all of them were shared with my beloved.

Lisa and I *did* dance in the rain.

We embraced the adventure of a workaround for the leaky Hugmobile (Thankfully, Lisa lead the project in planning and mindset.)

We even served vegan ice cream for 3 hours while the weather was briefly clear on Saturday afternoon. (I told my “Crap or Cone” story as we literally had muddy crap on our feet and ice cream cones in our hands.)

ice cream in the mud

I am SO grateful for my partnership with Lisa.

All week long, my favorite art on the Playa was our love.

So even as I mourn the “more fun” version of Halcyon, I am well aware that the old version of me was incapable of this relationship.

This is what I want now.
This is what I am willing to work for now.

Maybe “mourn” is the wrong word. “Honor” is more accurate.
I honor the previous version of me. I honor the energy and passion he has given to this community.
And I embrace the patience required for real growth.

I don’t know what the next chapter looks like.
Will I “Leave No Trace” of Halcyon Pink?

I doubt it.

But just like the deepest lessons of our temporary city, I have faith this Playa-inspired path of Radical Self Exploration will lead to a beautiful next iteration.

As always, “You don’t get the Burn you want, you get the Burn you need.”
Or as Thich Nhat Hanh (clearly a Burner) said, “No mud, no lotus.”

Love,
Halcyon

p.s. I’ll be sharing more video and photos from the Burn (including the music video for the song I wrote!)

p.p.s. Decompressing? Or just being human? I am doing live broadcasts every morning at 9:00am PT on Facebook and YouTube (SUBSCRIBE to get notified). Join me and share some gratitude.