Oppenheimer Aftershocks

As I watched, I had visceral memories of living through the Cold War.

This is not a movie review.
(Although, the film was exceptional.)

As I watched, I had visceral memories of living through the Cold War.

I’m 52, born after the timeline of the movie, but the talk and visuals about nuclear bombs brought me back to childhood terror.

I remember being keenly aware that nukes were pointed at everyone I loved. And we had nukes pointed at millions of people across the world. And that the balance of peace hinged on humans keeping their cool and being rational. This did not ease my mind.

For my age, I was unusually afraid of nuclear holocaust.

In Jr. High I would draw screaming faces. Over and over. I drew mushroom clouds.

I used to hear/feel what I described as, “the soundless, breathy, end of screams.”

Even earlier than that, I was well aware that total human annihilation was a possibility.

I was sent to a new school when I was 11.
I did not fit in well.
I fell into a deep despair.

One night, I tied a robe belt around my neck and tried to hang myself from a doorknob.

I don’t know if I really wanted to die.

But I was definitely overwhelmed with being alive in a world with so much suffering and uncertainty.

That is when I went to therapy for the first time.
(*I just burst into tears when I typed that.)

My memories are not clear around that chapter.
Lately, my mom has been filling me in. Little details have resurfaced.
Until I watched Oppenheimer, I had forgotten that “Global Annihilation” was also on my mind at that time.

A month ago, my therapist asked if I was ready to visit that despair of my youth.

I said, “yes.” But I have not made an appointment since.

Maybe I needed to see this movie.

I needed to remember this important piece of the puzzle.

I’m a different person now.
I am a grown man.
I have a spiritual foundation.
I’m as strong as I’ve ever been.

I’m nervous, but not scared.

(*I just messaged my therapist to make an appointment.)

Time to put on my welders goggles and look into the darkness.

-John

p.s. I also loved “Barbie.”