💍🩷"SHE SAID, 'YES!'"🩷🎉

I officially have a fiancé. Who'd thought!?! I'm soooooo happy.

My rule has always been, “You must know someone for at least 2 years before you can commit to a life with them.”
I’ve had relationships that felt pretty darn good for a year, then fell apart as we really got to know each other. I didn’t want to propose to someone while blinded by the intoxication of a romantic honeymoon period.

But I knew I was going to marry Lisa the first weekend I met her.

I set that thought aside and made a mental note to revisit the idea of marriage after we’ve been together 2 years. (May 28, birthday, will be our 2 year anniversary.)

I even told Lisa about my rule. And told her that I planned to ask her when the 2 year quarantine was up.
We were, “engaged to be engaged.”

But this weekend, while at a meditation retreat, I had some clarity.

I know in my bones that Lisa is my person. I know I will be devoted to her forever.
And *I* was the one who made the 2 year rule. I’m allowed to break it.

I have never before been in a place where I was capable of making that kind of commitment.

Looking back, I can see that my primary relationship has always been my addictions.

Which meant my romantic partner had to settle for being my mistress.

It has only been in the last two years that I have even had the capacity to commit myself fully to another person. (My 2 year sobriety from alcohol, GHB and K is next month.)

For most of my adult life, I didn’t think a life partner was in my cards. I thought that by choosing a wild life filled with rare adventures (and frequent intoxication), I had to sacrifice the more common joys, like lifelong companionship.

Younger me only felt at home when he was on the edge. I was an explorer of the early Internet, of social media, of the porn industry, of Burning Man culture, and of chemical consciousness alteration.

But I am clear now that the frontier I want to explore for the rest of my life — is partnership with Lisa.

So I woke up Sunday morning and started to plan my proposal.

I searched for anything I could use as a ring. I found a bread bag twist-tie and fashioned it into a finger-sized circle.

Even by “charming” standards, it was pretty tacky.

So I kept looking and found a wooden bead in a junk drawer at the retreat center. It almost fit on my pinky. Maybe it would work.

I wanted to ask her as soon as possible. I didn’t want to spend another minute with the question inside me.
And let go of my previous plan to orchestrate a big performance or public display. (She would have hated that, anyway.)

We had 20 minutes before the next activity at the retreat, so I asked her to take a walk with me.
We hiked to a rock cave that is 5 minutes away. It is a frequent meditation spot and has a rug and altar inside. I slyly hit record on my phone and set it on a rock ledge.

I asked her to sit and sang one of our favorite songs to her.
“Loving you…is the best thing that I choose to do.. Whooooo-ooo, I love you.”

Then I said the first things that came to me:

“Lisa

You are who I want to wake up every morning

You’re who I want to tuck in every night

You’re the one I want to carry your guitar case,

Protect you from bears,

Order sushi for you,

You’re the one I want to grow old with,

Take care of…as we fall apart.

You are the dream I didn’t know was possible

You make me a better person.

Lisa, will you marry me?”

She laughed, kissed me, then said, “Yes. I already have.”
The wooden ring fit as perfectly as Cinderella’s slipper.

I am a happy, happy, happy man.
I am sooooo excited to continue this life adventure with my favorite person…officially.

Details, TBD.

With love,
John